Girl Flaked
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How many times accept you lot been doing well with a woman you'd just met simply to have it fizzle out the next day with no warning? In the moment, everything was astonishing; you were flirting dorsum and along, yous got her number and the hope of getting together later. By all rights information technology should be all systems go for getting a appointment that weekend. Instead, it's all terminal minute cancellations and radio silence. That commencement time you asked her out ended with "Sounds great, call me the solar day of, ok?". The twenty-four hour period of, it was "Oh I'm so sorry, but I'm actually busy today. Maybe next time?" Then… nothing. Your texts get i or 2 discussion answers. Your voice mails are never being returned. You're shouting impotently into the void, hoping for an answer.
She flaked on you. Sucks, don't it?
Unfortunately, flaking is a common occurrence when you're dating, especially when you're building your skills. Information technology's incredibly frustrating because it can feel as though information technology came out of nowhere – yous were doing everything right and then of a sudden you hit that wall of silence. So what can you lot practise virtually information technology? Well, to start with, permit's examine why women bit… and and then how we tin forbid flakes from happening1 .
What Is Flaking, Anyway?
Sometimes it tin can help to ascertain our terms in order to avoid confusion. In that location'due south a difference between a flake out and, say, someone cutting of contact because he or she just plain doesn't similar you.
Sudden radio silence – watching a flirtation over OKCupid cutting off without warning, or a string of unanswered calls or texts without even the promise of a date in the start place – are not flaking. These are signs that, for whatever reason, the person you were talking to just decided that they were no longer interested. Mayhap you screwed up. Possibly they just weren't feeling the chemistry. Maybe they take an irrational hatred of the style you apply the oxford comma, who knows?
Flaking, on the other paw, is a last minute-counterfoil of tentative plans; you're all spruced up, so caught upwardly with excitement for your date with that beautiful woman you met at the bar last Mon that you've shown up twenty minutes early. Yous're half-defenseless up in imagining the sloppy make-outs that are in store for you later on that night when y'all get the dreaded text: "Hey, turns out I tin't brand it today. Maybe some other time." All of a sudden, you're left all dressed up with nowhere to get, feeling your ego (and your half-chub) deflating similar a leaky pool-toy. Any subsequent texts get non-commital answers and your voice mails aren't being returned in the outset identify.
Why Women Flake
Flaking normally comes downwardly to one of ii problems. The first is very uncomplicated: she'due south not that into you. She may take been having a good fourth dimension with you in the moment – afterwards all, everybody appreciates talking with someone who's funny and interesting, especially if they're good looking – but ultimately, she's merely non feeling that spark she needs that pushes her from "Well that was fun," to "That was fun and I want to encounter this guy again!". Other women will simply play along for a while… maybe out of boredom, maybe just considering they're going along to go along and just waiting for a socially acceptable excuse to send you packing. This, incidentally, is one of the reasons why women will just mitt out their number so easily to people they don't give a damn well-nigh; it presents a natural pause in the interaction and most guys will take it and go away. In an age of omnipresent cellphones, caller ID and vox postal service, giving out a phone number is low-run a risk, low-investment. A woman can tell at a glance that someone she doesn't care nigh and permit it go directly to vocalization postal service – and so from there to the digital garbage bin.
The best fashion to avert this is, simply, be better at knowing how to build her interest in y'all. Ane of the all-time means is getting her to qualify herself to you lot; the more allure you can build, the more likely she volition exist looking frontward to actually meeting upwards with you instead of giving you the 21st century brush-off.
The other cause is the loss of what'south chosen "emotional momentum".
The excitement and rush of a positive in-person interaction is exciting, but information technology can wear off quickly if you don't practice anything to maintain it. Like a machine running out of gas, you go from speeding along to sputtering to a halt. Leaving with vague promises to "hang out later" or to "talk old" won't assist maintain the excitement or emotional connection that you just spent the final X number of minutes/hours building. Wishy-washy texts and voice mails crusade her excitement to fade even faster. Similarly, going for long periods of fourth dimension without contact will cause the momentum to diminish. The more the momentum fades, she stops picturing you as the awesome guy she was really interested in and become just another guy she vaguely remembers giving her number to.
Keeping The Momentum Going Through Proper Use of The Phone
If you want to prevent flakes from happening, you have to continue the brawl rolling, and the best way to do this is to know how to use texts and phone calls to your reward. This ways that as a full general rule, you desire to get-go the contact as soon as possible after getting her number.
A lot of guys will balk at this stage; they don't want to announced "likewise eager" or worry about creeping her out. Instead, they wait for some random interval of days (the "three days" dominion, for case) in an effort to appear more confident or aloof – when in reality, they're only trying to muster up the courage.
It this sounds like you, retrieve most it this way: if you met someone cool and had an astonishing chat with them, wouldn't you desire to keep in contact so you could keep things going?
Rather than calling correct abroad, I advocate a quick text "ping" – a curt, beautiful message that helps establishes contact and gauges how interested she is in talking to you – within 24 hours of getting her number. In fact, depending on the context of how nosotros met and for how long, I recommend pinging even sooner; if you met in, say, a club or a bar, she will likely have given her number out several times and the sooner you tin can establish contact with her the less likely y'all will cook into the blur of every guy she met that nighttime.
After a successful ping, y'all should start a text chat – 1 that leads towards setting up a call. It can be equally simple as ending a conversation with "Hey, I've gotta practice stuff, but I want to keep talking to y'all. I'll call you a little bit subsequently, ok?"
Naturally, you want to brand sure you actually follow up with that telephone call that day. Long periods without contact will kill that momentum, leaving you with some other dead number.
Once you brand the telephone call, you should ask her out on a definitive date. No "we should hang out some time" or "hey, if you lot're interested, peradventure we could get a drinkable later…". No putting the onus on her to prepare the appointment for you lot; this non merely betrays a lack of confidence, but information technology leaves things vague and unclear. You desire to be specific: "Hey, I'chiliad going to run across this art show on Fri at viii, you should totally come up with me. I remember yous'd love it."
Having a firm time and day makes it more concrete, which in plow makes her much less likely to bit out.
Detecting An Incoming Flake
Women rarely scrap out or stand someone upwards without warning. There is almost always a signal that she is probable to flake.
The near common sign is the classic "Telephone call me the day of". You will hear this near often when yous're setting upward the engagement – particularly if information technology's a nebulous offering to "hang out" rather than setting a physical date. The message that a woman is sending is that she's waiting to see if she gets a better offer. If null else comes along, and so maybe she'll get out on you, but y'all are – at best – her second choice. More likely the tertiary or fourth.
Being less than enthusiastic near the possibility of plans in general is also a sign, even if she'd agreed to go out with you lot; "I dunno, I'll have to see," is another common instance. Just as telling is the Shrodinger's Date – she's but remembered that she had other plans, and so yous two volition have to reschedule… or perhaps not because now she's not so certain whether her original plans are notwithstanding scheduled. You're kept in a state of breakthrough uncertainty, where your date is simultaneously on and off and y'all have no idea which until the waveforms collapse… usually right earlier you're supposed to get together, leaving you stuck at the coffeeshop with only cold lattes and the pitying, knowing glances from the staff for company.
The Schrodinger's Engagement is especially annoying because it gives the impression that the date could still be on. It's the re-scheduling that'southward the primal: a woman who is eager to come across yous volition make an effort to detect a future day that works. An impending flake leaves that potential rescheduling up in the air, where y'all will almost never meet it once more.
Of form, the most pernicious version of the flake bespeak is falling down the Intimacy Ladder. To refresh your memory, the Intimacy Ladder is the sliding scale of intimacy based on the method of communication.
From most intimate to least, it goes:
- In Person
- Phone
- Text
- Instant Bulletin
If y'all had been making plans via the phone and then suddenly find that as the day approaches, you're doing nearly of your communicating via text or electronic mail – especially if her responses are becoming increasingly terse – that a chip is almost certainly incoming. If your various texts or calls are suddenly existence met with a deafening silence, you tin safely presume that yous will not be seeing her that weekend.
How To Prevent Bit-Outs
Want to cease women from flaking out on you? Get them excited to exist going on a date with you. Someone who's eager to meet you and looking forrard to doing something fun with you lot isnot going to flake.
When a woman is giving you signs of an impending flake, then the best thing you can do is just give information technology upward as a lost cause and move on and just do better adjacent time with the adjacent woman (because there volition be a next woman). Aye, I know: you don'tdesire to. You reallydesire to see this person. Butshe's showingy'all that she's really merely not that into you. And honestly: if she's willing to just scrap out on yous, why wouldyou lot want to seeher?
But allow's say yous're really invested in making this date happen. There are times – not many, only some – when tin can actually prevent a flake from happening… provided you grab them in time. Now to exist fair: flake preventiondoes require a certain willingness to play caput games and applying social pressure level, but yous're already in impairment control style as it is. This is your terminal-ditch effort to salvage the date.
There are a number of techniques that you lot can use to endeavour turn a flake around.
Definitive statements of intent tin aid relieve your date, specially if you're getting the Schrodinger'south Date. Telling a adult female that you really want t0 come across her if her plans fall through can be incredibly powerful – y'all're not beingness needy or trying to wheedle her into a pity date, you're telling her flat out that you similar her; this displays an appealing level of conviction and balls. If she suggests that the two of you reschedule without suggesting a day or time herself, issuing a statement rather than a request can help her commit to a specific time and place – especially if you hint that you take other plans; afterward all, you don't want her thinking that you've been waiting with sandwiches by the phone.
For example:
Her: Yeah, it simply doesn't look like it tin can work today. Maybe we assemble after?
You lot: Sounds dandy. Nosotros'll meet upwardly at The Nomad at 9:30. I tin can't stay long though. I told some friends I'd meet them later on.
Practise you lot take other plans? No, not really. Nonetheless not only are you lot demonstrating that you aren't planning on sitting at dwelling if she doesn't go far, crying and masturbating while using your tears every bit lube, only the bogus time constraint ways that she's more than likely to have. If the two of you are having a good fourth dimension, there's no need to actually leave; you'd much rather spend fourth dimension with her, no? Otherwise… well, you lot're probably better off writing this one off.
Some other technique I have used to slap-up issue has been the Pre-Emptive Flake. When I detect a potential fleck, I will actually make a betoken of texting her and flaking outset. "
Example: "Hey, I completely forgot that my brother'south coming in this weekend, so I totally tin't make information technology. We'll have to try again next week…"
This flipping of the script puts her on the defensive; past making her the Flake-ee rather than the Flaker, you lot have reframed the situation and so that she is pursuing you. Y'all'll find that she will be much more than receptive to rescheduling (again, with a concrete place and time) than if you're in the position of chasing her.
The final technique I've used is to ignore her flaking out. I make other plans for the day and put her out of heed… until the twenty-four hours after. The day after the aborted date, I'll either call – particularly if I know I'm likely to get her vocalisation post – or transport a text profusely apologizing for having forgotten that nosotros were supposed to get together. After I give whatsoever bullshit alibi comes to heed – long night and overslept, got defenseless upwards past a deadline, something fairly small – I'll insist that I need to take her out in order to arrive upward to her. Once again: this reframes the situation to where she is the offended party and feeling as though she's owed something in recompense… peculiarly if information technology'due south beingness treated to a nice dinner. This volition help encourage her to commit to the appointment; later all, you owe her, right?
Now, let'south directly here: these are not guaranteed to work 100% of the time. In that location will be plenty of times when you merely can't continue a fleck from happening. This is simply a fact of dating, and y'all just have to acquire to accept it.
Responding To Flakes
Flakes happen. Sometimes it'due south because you've screwed up somewhere along the lines, sometimes information technology'south legit and shit just happens. You can't salvage all of them.
If you get flaked on, then you need to retrieve this mantra:
Information technology's no large deal.
If and when your engagement calls to abolish at the last minute, all apologies and explanations, your response is Information technology'southward No Big Bargain. Yous don't whine. You don't complain. You don't tell her that she owes you. Y'all don't call them out on flaking. Non merely will information technology not help, yous really hemorrhage respect and social value when y'all do; you're interim like a child who's pouting because he didn't go his manner.
Treating it like information technology'due south no real thing will send the right message: you're a mature and confident developed who has his own life to alive and a pocket-size inconvenience isn't going to disrupt it. If plan A doesn't work, you have plans B through ZZ. Yous can attempt – later – to get some other date, or you tin can presume that things aren't going to work and motion on.
Simply treatment a gummy or awkward situation with fashion and ataraxy volition make you more than attractive, and people will react to your social grace.
And then you'll detect that flakes won't be about as much of a problem in the future.
- Let'due south get the Head and Shoulders jokes out of the mode now, shall we? [↩]
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Source: https://www.doctornerdlove.com/why-women-flake/all/1
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